This bred this which leads me to this:
Back in the ’90s, I was walking to my car with a male colleague when I noticed my back tire was flat. Without thinking, I mentioned it.
That was a bad idea, mentioning it. I knew that immediately because even though my male colleague is more evolved than most, he still possesses that bell that goes off in his head when he sees a woman and a flat tire. He must answer the call for help, even if none was issued. I just had time to dig out the jack from the trunk before my friend took it from my hands and got down on his knees and started to take the lug nuts off my tire.
I protested that this was not his car and, therefore, not his problem and that he was probably on his way somewhere, and maybe he should just go along and let me do this. He said he could change the tire fast and that it was no problem, so he wallowed in the dried crud from the snow as he wrestled with my tire while I stood nearby trying to helpfully anticipate which tool he would need before he even asked.
Mission accomplished, I left the parking lot feeling vaguely guilty, although I understood that he could no more leave me with a flat tire than I could have shot him in the leg to prevent his helping.
This has happened before. More women than you can imagine know how to change their own tires. Our grandfathers taught us. They told us that no self-respecting woman should pilot a car unless she could at least take care of rudimentary maintenance like oil changes and flat tires. I listened because my grandfather loaned me the money for the car, and I wasn’t about to make him angry. I even crawled under the car with him while he tapped out points of interest with a stick, and then he handed me a tub of grease, which I carried around in the trunk with the other flotsam for which I had no use, but might one day.
Despite the notion that women should have equity, the stronger, more accepted notion prevails that we were were made to drape over cars, not crawl under them. Anyway, I know how to change tires, but I can’t remember the last time I actually changed one. There’s always a male nearby who just isn’t quite comfortable with his role (or mine).
The same thing happens at doors. My favorite example of the sex-role confusion came years ago, when British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher was going through a door with then-President Ronald Reagan. Instead of waiting for him to pass — he was the visitor, after all, and deserving of a little special treatment — she walked through first, but backward and with her arms outstretched, as if imploring him to dance. It was kind of an “I’m a world leader, sure, but I’m a girl, too.” I felt sorry for her and at that moment vowed never to be a world leader.
Wait, I take it back. I do remember changing a flat tire. I got to it before anyone else was around, but by the time I was finished, I had an audience of four men standing around, foot- to-foot, discussing great flat tires they have known. They were not aggressive enough to wrestle the tools from me, but they couldn’t bring themselves to just walk away and let me handle it. And I appreciated the company. There we all go, dancing backward through the door again.
Aww,the guy in the 90s saved you a laundry or dry cleaning chore. Be ye thankful!
Oh, I wasn’t angry, just perturbed. If I can do something, I’d prefer to just do it. It’s not a gender thing. It’s just something I feel quite capable of doing.
Maybe your friend was just the type of person who help out anyone…male or female.
Today while I was out shopping I noticed a great sign that made me think of the DJ crowd:
A woman’s perfect breakfast:
A large hot cup of gourmet coffee
Her son’s picture on the Wheaties box
Her daugher’s face on the cover of Business Weekly
Her boyfriend on the cover of Playgirl
and…her ex-husband’s picture on the back of a milk carton.
Yep. That would be my favorite breakfast (though I don’t hate my ex-husband; I’d just be interested in the artist’s rendering of him on a milk carton)…and you’d have to add Bacon. And Scones. But nothing’s perfect.
Honestly…if someone is eager to change my tire for me? I say THANK YOU. It is not something I’d like to do. I’d call AAA to do it before doing it myself and wouldn’t want a friend doing it if AAA could take care of it. (I learned to change the oil and check spark plugs once from my grandfather, but gladly go to one of those 10-min oil change places on a regular basis.) I’ve been paying for AAA since my college days and so I don’t mind using it. In fact, I hope I get a flat tire so I can call them. I think they owe me. WAIT…I take that back. I really don’t want a flat tire.
If a male friend (or female friend) needed a tire change, I’d lend a hand and stick around until it was done. First, I’d suggest calling AAA. :-)
I don’t wait for “the guy” to hold open doors, but I do expect that the person (male or female) hold the door for me. Then I hold it for the next person.
That M. Thatcher story is funny.
Gee, Jac. I totally agree with you. What’s up with that?
It didn’t mean much to me at the time, but it stuck in my head, that Margaret Thatcher story. I don’t belong to AAA, but I probably should and then all this navel-gazing would be moot.
I’m with Jac here as well. I *can* change a tire but I sure don’t want to! If a man wants to do it, I’ll say a big thank you and it wouldn’t even occur to me that he did it because he didn’t think I could. If I can bear the babies, guys can do some of the dirty work, s’all good.
I think it’s pretty well accepted now that whoever has easiest access opens the door now. I’ve never noticed a disparity there.
I’m older and am probably having flashbacks.
Men like to feel needed, too. Just like a woman like to cook a meal for a man so he can thank her, men like to help with a dirty task such as a flat tire. Just say thanks, let us pound our chests for a while, and drive on. I am a good cook, My wife can change a tire. Like Jay said, he saved you a dry cleaning bill. (If I am wearing a shirt that has to be dry cleaned, I am wearing a dirty shirt.)
Oh, it was a nice thing to do, no question asked. But I do kind of like to do these things myself. Now watch. Tomorrow I’ll pop a tire and no one will stop and I’ll feel crushed.
Call me. I’ve AAA!!
I mean I’ve got AAA!
I have been known to refer to that as AA and then you get Those Looks.
Yet this still works well with both….
“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know”…when to call AA(A)
Oh, awesome! And the shortened version of the Serenity Prayer: F*&^ it.
Yeah, that “wisdom to know the difference” is a b*tch.
Amen.
Same here, Jac. And I don’t know how to change a flat time, and have no intentions of learning. I do know how make soap though. That has to count for something. and I can help someone birthing a baby.
I can change a tire, paint a house or room, nail up shingles, and cuss. Not in that order.
Funny to see this, because I came out of a performance today with an older woman friend (late 70′s, but in good shape), my husband, and another man in his 50′s. She had a noticeably flat tire, and Guy #2 sprang into action with his emergency tire-pumping gizmo, while Guy #1 (my hubby) held the end of it in the cig lighter so it wouldn’t fall out. We were all rather well dressed, because of the performance, but Guy #2 didn’t hesitate to run his hands over her dirty tire checking for leaks. And then he followed her home, for at least part of the way, because she had a half hour or so to go.
Guy #2 happened to be gay — I wonder if that’s an influence one way or the other toward macho displays?
I have no doubt the lady was pleased and grateful. She wasn’t going to do it herself, but she had AAA and a cell phone.
I have changed tires — years ago. I remember once trying to do it with some young women friends, and the lug nuts were so tightly screwed that we couldn’t get them to start. If I were on the side of the road with a flat tire, I would be very grateful if a guy wanted to help. I would also feel a little guilty. It’s one of those things I think I probably should do, but don’t want to. And if I don’t want to, I figure a guy won’t want to either… but feels he has to. To be guy-like.
As to opening doors — when I was a corporate lawyer the big issue was remembering to go first. Into and out of elevators, etc.
My first husband didn’t open anything much for me, and sometimes absentmindedly walked away from me when crossing a parking lot. My current husband is very gallant about opening doors for me, and it feels good to me — just an elegant thing he does that makes me feel cherished. We’ve been together 4 years, and he still does it. He likes to do it, I like to receive it, and nobody feels we have to.
When strangers open a door for me, I say thank you.
I say thank you, too, though if I get to the door first, I hold it for the next person. At my age, that gets me odd looks (like from the young men at my gym) but tough. You were a corporate lawyer?
DJ, Relax a little–it doesn’t mean a guy is sexest just because he is courteous. Nor do such things have to mean that the guy does not believe in equality of the sexes. A few years ago when I saw that a female colleague’s car had a flat–I went to her and told her about it and asked for her keys so I could get the jack and take the tire to get it repaired. She was glad that I offered–it was not an equality thing–we simply did things for each other when it was helful [the other person was busy, etc] She would often ask for help setting up AV equipment or help when it was not working properly. And I would ask her for assistance about Microbiology that she knew more about than I.
It is my opinion that who ever is first to the door or in position to more easily do so is the one who should hold the door.
By the way–the majority of the readers of Playgirl are guys. So does a woman really want her boyfriends picture there?
Oh, I’m plenty relaxed. I appreciate every time some one does a kindness for me, but if I can do it myself, why let someone else do it for me? And I’m with you on whoever has the skills or gets to the door first.
OK, don’t tell the other guys on the blog that I’m telling you this, but here goes…
Some men became offended when feminists started with this “I can open my own doors, thank you” crap. We were brought up to open entrance doors and car doors for woman out of respect. We were treated like it was a put-down. Many men were hurt and responded with, “Well, then screw them! Let ‘em open their own doors!”
Many woman of my generation were taught basic homemaking skills by their Mothers. My Dad never taught me how to sew (even though as a garment worker, he knew how) however, he taught me to respect woman and help them with all things automotive and electronic. (Thank God for kids and their help with all things electronic!)
In my marriage, I do all things relating to the cars. My wife’s responsibility is for oil changes only. We men do there things because we respect and love you, all of you woman. You make the world a better place. Let us show you how much we appreciate you by changing your flats and opening doors for you.
THIS is why I’m not bothered. I believe it’s kindness and respect and I’m cool with that. When we are out alone (ooooohhh, once a year) my husband still opens my car door.
I always take my Nana’s elbow on stairs or uneven ground. Even before she needed the help I did this. It’s a act of respect. If she had been snotty about it? Shaking me off because she doesn’t *need* my help? I would have been hurt.
I must have come off as some fist-shaker here. I don’t say anything. I just kind of acknowledge that it’s sometimes awkward for all of us. I promise I wouldn’t shake someone’s hand off my arm, unless they held on too long. I do not cotton to men putting their hand in the small of my back to guide me through a room, either, but that’s just me.
“I do not cotton to men putting their hand in the small of my back to guide me through a room, either, but that’s just me.”
Not just you–I find it a little creepy.
In those situations, I will either speed up or stop, turn, and say, “Thank you, but I know the way to my chair.” If it’s snarky, so be it.
I’ve always thought that a man putting his hand on the small of a woman’s back is extremely patronizing. Few rooms are so large that she can’t find her way around.
But, of course, it’s a way for a guy to cop a feel.
“But, of course, it’s a way for a guy to cop a feel.”
I think it’s more just a way to assert control in a situation.
I like it fine if it’s my date, it’s a sneaky bit of sensuality which is welcome in my romantic relationships. I think it’s akin to holding hands to avoid being separated and being on the same page about which direction we’re going. Sometimes I find the seats at church, sometimes he does. Either way, one of us is leading!
Your date, different story. Mr. DJ can put his hands just about anywhere (I’m easy like that) but if it’s NOT Mr. DJ, then I’m pretty particular about what sweaty hand touches my back.
Exactly. Which means it’s open snark season for me.
“Some men became offended when feminists started with this “I can open my own doors, thank you” crap. We were brought up to open entrance doors and car doors for woman out of respect. We were treated like it was a put-down.”
It may not be crap, Mario. I’m about 10 years older than you, and while I grew up in a household of women (widowed grandmother, single aunt, divorced mother), still, the culture at every turn told me that I was here to behave mainly as a complement to a man. Our “Seventeen” magazine articles taught us how to listen to boys because after all, boys have egos! And we all know all the components of women’s discontent: lower wages, inability to get loans in those days, etc. So while boys were taught they must treat women “respectfully,” that “respect” often was seen as patronizing. It may not have been, but it could be easy to perceive it that way.
“Many men were hurt and responded with, “Well, then screw them! Let ‘em open their own doors!” ”
And I guess all that is a lack of understanding or clear communication on both sides.
“Many woman of my generation were taught basic homemaking skills by their Mothers.”
And unfortunately, those same skills weren’t necessarily passed along to their brothers as well. I didn’t live with my father after about age 9, but he surely wanted me and my sister to be capable independent people. Occasionally on Connecticut’s NPR station you’ll hear a sound-bite of DJ’s visit to a local talk show, where she says something along the lines of “I didn’t come out of the womb holding a spatula.”
“My Dad never taught me how to sew (even though as a garment worker, he knew how)”
When I taught industrial sewing (not homemaking), boys and girls came through the exploratory classes where they got an introduction to basic sewing and pattern-making (which is a lot like drafting), and even in these times the boys would say “I don’t have to know how to do that, my mother will do it for me.” “And when you move out?” “My girlfriend will.” “What if you’re not lucky enough to have a girlfriend who’s willing to do stuff she thinks you should be able to do?”
“…however, he taught me to respect woman and help them with all things automotive and electronic.”
… which of course assumes that they couldn’t possibly be capable or even interested. Well, some are and some aren’t, and there’s a good place to start with respect: respect other people and appreciate what their opinions are as well.
“In my marriage, I do all things relating to the cars. My wife’s responsibility is for oil changes only.”
And that works, and that’s excellent.
“We men do there things because we respect and love you, all of you woman. You make the world a better place.”
Um — a better place for MEN? Is that what you’re saying? Hopefully not. Hopefully respect isn’t based on genitalia OR condescension.
“Let us show you how much we appreciate you by changing your flats and opening doors for you.”
Please. Let us all help each other, and respect each other and each other’s capabilities.
My father taught me to change a tire and I hated sewing so I didn’t learn how. My husband is more domestic than me in some ways, he grew up watching his parents do the dinner dishes together every night, it was time for them to connect.
To me, having grown up in this generation, getting huffy about a man being nice to me seems ridiculous. And even more, looking through the lens of late Gen-X it seems silly to me for women to nit-pick about people opening doors when the REAL problems are so much greater than that. I don’t like making men feel bad for doing something nice because we *assume* they think we are somehow not capable. It’s that kind of behavior that gives feminism a bad name.
I think I get what you’re saying. And I just prefer to do things myself, unless I’m on crutches or something at which point I’d prefer to be carried around on a pillow.
Cynical,
I would love to argue with you (except regarding our ages) but you’re right.
Woman do make the world a better place and not just for Men.
I took it on my own to learn to do for myself. I can sew, cook, I clean the house, I own a iron (and I’m not afraid to use it!) I also taught my kids, my girls and my son, to be able to take care of themselves. I also taught them to help others and to let others help them.
When I got my first car at the ripe old age of 21, I was instructed on changing a tire and changing the oil. I still make a point whenever I get a new car–less and less frequently these years–of finding the spare, the jack, and the toolkit, and where on the car frame is the spot for the jack. Fortunately I haven’t had to do it very often. I guess I still know how to change the oil, too, but I no longer consider it a good use of my time. In CT I went to the father & son Rapid Lube. I haven’t found such a place here yet, but the Valvoline shop does a good job. (Don’t let them change anything else, though.)
Oops. I mean I haven’t had to do it very often because I haven’t had many flats, not because someone did it for me.
And just for the record, I think whoever gets to the door first with a free hand, should open the door.
We’ve come to an agreement on the door, then. I have to leave now and take my car to the repair shop. I don’t want any flat tires on the way, though.
Why nowhere else? (These days, I take mine in to the dealer for everything because I like to spend 20 percent more on car repairs than regular people.)
I feel like the only person here who can change a tire and won’t mind doing it myself. But then it could be my curious streak and strong DIY slant.
I’m with DJ on this one. Like someone on the feministe blog said, can’t we all be nice to each other without the reason being the genitals between our legs?
I appreciate the chivalry when it’s offered to me (I live in TX, where it’s rampant), but I’d rather not have the door opened for me unless my hands are full, and all that good stuff. And I will gladly do the same for a guy.
Thank you. Neu and I are on the same pew. Neu, you are not the only one here who would prefer to change the tire herself. I’m old and mean enough now to go ahead and wrestle the damn tools out of the hands of my would-be savior.
Last time I had a flat tire I called AAA because it was pouring AND my jack and lug wrench were under all my luggage. But I’m glad to know I can change a tire — and do a number of other chores. I think everyone should have as many survival skills as possible, and there may be times when you need to be able to change a tire because there’s no one else around or there’s no cell-service or …. whatever. I do recommend that everyone have a 4-way or universal or cross-bar lug wrench — it makes removing tight lugs easier: you can “stand on” one of the bars in order to loosen the lugs, where the usual L-shaped wrench that’s included with the car isn’t so handy.
Exactly. Or, if you’ve changed the tire yourself, you’ve tightened the lug nuts so you can certainly loosen them.
Guy tip #23
Ladies, the next time you go to your tire shop to have your tires rotated, (every 5, 000 miles,) have them “Torque” or tighten the lug nuts to the correct specs to facilitate removal during a flat tire change, or they may over-tighten them, making removal difficult. You should also give the tire “jockey” a small tube of “Anti-seize” lube (available at Auto Parts stores) to put on the threads of the wheel studs to allow smooth removal of the lug nuts. Also, have them check the spare!
Guy tip #71
Always have a fresh can of “Flat-Fix” tire sealant on hand to fill a flat tire and seal the leak. This will allow you to drive the car to an air pump to fill the tire with the correct tire pressure. You can then take the car to a tire repair shop.
Mario, you rock, and thank you.
I don’t think anyone here has said that they would mind changing a tire for themselves (assuming they know how to do it.) Also, we have no evidence except anecdotal that men are not also offered assistance in changing tires. I’ve opened a number of doors for people, regardless of what I believe to be between their legs (because honestly, how would I know?)
And I think being nice requires someone to accept the niceness, so getting snitty because someone is opening adoor for you, say, because you perceive that the person doing so is a)male and is doing so because they think you are b)female just reduces the amount of kindness in the world. In Jewish tradition, the person who accepts a good deed (say, getting help with a tire being changed) is doing as important a good deed as the one offering the help because it increases the amount of goodness in the world. It takes both to have goodness done.
And let remember that not everyone can physically do some things even though they may not appear disabled. Some days I run out of spoons and there is no way I could change a tire for myself, or put groceries in my car . (A delightful side affect of Crohns is joint pain, like arthritis. )
I hope I’ve not been rude when someone’s been nice to me. I usually just tease without mercy.
Yeah, I don’t think anyone has said, “I enjoy it when men think I’m helpless!” ;)
I learned to change a flat before I could even drive. In fact I used to enjoy it, or at least enjoy proving I could do it. That faded with age…and children.
Car seats change everything, I think. You’re not going to want to jack up a car if you’ve got chilluns in the back.
BTW, to be clear, I’m not saying YOU’RE WRONG about these things, DJ. Just that it’s okay with me and that shouldn’t harm my feminist standing.
Oh, God, no, it won’t harm your feminist standing. I don’t get to pick who’s in and who’s out, anyway, and if we all felt the same way about these things life would be very boring.
My husband opens car doors for me. I love it. And, oddly, when we are in restuarant waiters all expect me to do the ordering for both of us. I suppose its my commanding stature and stuff.
Why do my posts get put in random places?
“Why do my posts get put in random places?”
They just do, that’s all. It’s a mystery that no one’s solved despite all of us fussing about it.
As I read through the comments, I was thinking about feminist theory and since there are several, it makes sense that we don’t have consensus on this. I would not want a man to assume I would handle a task because of my gender. Nor should I assume the same of a man. However, I have no problem letting someone who is more capable, because of experience, take on a task (unless I want practice doing it). i.e. gender neutral decision making
The thing is, gender roles have evolved during my lifetime. So, there is conflict in interpreting the intent of an action when it involves men & women. “Is it sexist?” isn’t easy to answer.
However, how many guys have had another guy (not AAA) change their tire? Would it feel immasculating? If that can happen, because one guy is more experienced and no one feels immasculated, then maybe we will have conquered sexism. Just saying, female-male interaction isn’t the only way to gauge.
Too true. I once stopped to help someone who was stuck on the side of the road, and it turns out I actually knew the answer to their car-question, as I’d once owned the exact same kind of beater.
So if Click and Clack need a third, are you available?
Yes. If asked, I will serve.
They seem to have such a good time doing that show. I love listening and laughing along with them.
It’d be fun to wade right in and mouth off with them.
Sort of like in the movie “My Cousin Vinnie.”
Yes! That scene with Marisa Tomei was great in “My Cousin Vinnie”!
Love that movie. That cast, too, seemed to be just having a heck of a good time. “Youts!”
I’ve had a crush on Marisa Tomei. Her Aunt is friends with my Mom, or something like that. She’s a little Italian Girl from Brooklyn, my kind of Woman! She was great in that movie, and in “The Wrestler.”
“The Wrestler” was an awesome movie all around.
IMHO, Tomei was the best thing about “Vinnie.” It suffers, in my mind, in comparison to the other movie I saw the same night, “Grosse Pointe Blank” which was much sharper with much smarter humor.
That was a great movie, but Mr. Munster as the judge made me simple in Vinnie.
Seeing a movie about rural Alabama and then a movie about Grosse Pointe, Michigan–on the same night?
The mind boggles.
As I recall, it was Ala-f#@king-bama according to Vinny.