What the hell’s the matter with me?

I feel like sharing. Do you feel like listening?

I woke up this morning feeling really crappy about myself because I’d just completed a not-sex dream with George Clooney. I like George Clooney. I like his acting. I like his politics — though he’s a little too perfect, looks-wise, for me to think dirty thoughts about him.

And besides, I’m married. (For what it’s worth, when I first met my husband, I thought he was a little too perfect, looks-wise, and I was prepared to give him a pass, so it’s obvious I am willing to get over that particular prejudice but still):

In this dream, George, Lucille Ball, some guy I didn’t know (not Lucy’s husband, Desi Arnaz), and I were at George’s house just kind of hanging around. George is a really nice guy. He’s got food laid out and you can see the ocean from his deck, and then Lucy goes into the kitchen with this other guy and I don’t know what transpires there, but I know that Lucy remains true to her marital vows (I knew that the way you just know things in dreams).

Me, I’m sitting on the couch with George, and he puts his arm around me, and I think “Well, that‘s probably OK,” and things progress just as they do in a teenage slasher film only without the blood-letting, and pretty soon, I’m cuddling on the couch with George, thinking that I’m probably still within my marital vows even while I know I’m not. It is only when George starts to remove his clothing that I realize things have gone past the hand-holding stage, and I tell him, “You know I’m married, right?” and George gets really mad because his assistant was supposed to vet me — you’re allowed such arrogance in dreams, where a huge international star decides you’re the one and sends his/her assistant out to clear the path — and his assistant didn’t come across the fact that I was married. And then George says, “But this is a dream, and you can pretty much do what you want,” and I — this is the part I shall contemplate for some time — tell George that there’s a verse in the Bible that says if you so much as look and lust, it’s the same as stripping down to your altogethers and committing the marital act. And then I woke up thinking two things:

1. Christian fundamentalism retains a strangle-hold on me, and

2. George Clooney is a really nice guy, and I hope I didn’t hurt his feelings.

Published by datingjesus

Just another one of God's children.

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  1. Thank you for the laugh this morning, Susan. You’re so appealing that even if you WERE vetted, George wouldn’t have been able to resist anyway…

    1. Thank you. I really was something, in my dream. If I hadn’t been raised fundamentalist, I bet I could have just gone ahead and, well, done it. As it is, I told my husband about the dream and his response was, “Well, you f(@&@ up.” I believe that counts as a husbandly sanction to just go ahead and, well, do it.

  2. You made me laugh out loud. The way I interpreted this verse, once I was rebelling in my late teens, is that if I was THINKING IT, I might as well be DOING IT.

    1. Which can be pretty freeing, if you think about it long enough. Which I didn’t.

  3. Just too funny! Send George to me next time he shows up in your dreams and you are un-willing! I have no qualms what (or who) I do in my dreams.

  4. tell George that there’s a verse in the Bible that says if you so much as look and lust, it’s the same as stripping down to your altogethers and committing the marital act.

    I remember when Jimmy Carter caught so much grief in his interview with Playboy magazine in ’76 for having “lusted in his heart.”

    1. While the fundamentalists knew precisely what he meant. An we gave him an “Amen,” too.

  5. A few years ago I was reviewing a motorcycle that the previous user was none other than The Cloon himself. Apparently the manufacurer had loaned him the press bike to get around on while he was doing a shoot in D.C. (don’t recall the film), and George managed to mangle one of the latches on one of the saddlebags. Damn actors. In his defense, it was all too easy to do with this particular design and I managed to fix it. Anyway, had I known your affection for the guy I would have taken you for a ride on the bike, as some of his atoms were no doubt still on the machine and could have mixed w/ yours. Imagine that. Could be the safest sex of all, that.

    Anyway, between my wife’s film associates and mine on the motorcycle side, we’ve never heard anything but good things about Clooney. He does appear to be a very decent (and talented) dude. Just don’t let him near your saddlebags w/out a proper briefing. There’s a really nasty joke in there somewhere; good thing I’m totally and completely immune to such vulgarity.

    1. Because you was raised raht, yes? I didn’t even know I had an affection for George. It was buried.

  6. Cool. I haven’t had a lucid dream in a long time. You’ve given me a goal for this week.

    And what a cool husband you have.

    1. Mr. DJ is everything that says “cool,” but please don’t tell him I said that.

  7. You are a real good woman Susan and yeah you definitely screwed up. I would have had his dream babies by now, all nine of them. Dream lusting does not count, dammit it CANNOT count. Its the only thing I got left :P That and my hubby and I have our secret short list of celebs if, given the chance, we tangoed with, all would be forgiven.

    1. I think that’s a much healthier approach to this kind of thing. All I can say is that George’s chin-dimple is really pretty, up close.

    2. “my hubby and I have our secret short list of celebs if, given the chance, we tangoed with, all would be forgiven.”

      THAT is funny. I wonder what the criteria are……..

  8. And of course you selected the absolutely MOST perfect photo of him for this post. Not a hair out of place.

  9. Thanks so much for starting my day with a laugh. I agree that GC could be just a little too perfect, but obviously, if he made a pass at a married women, there’s a character flaw in there somewhere!

  10. NOTHING is the matter with you. It was a dream. Dreams are free-form. Dreams float. Dreams touch on things reality couldn’t and/or shouldn’t. And your husband is a neat guy for not getting worked up about it.

    I wonder…. how many of us have had dreams in which we did things that maybe in real life would not have been such a good idea?

    Me? Been there. Done that. Not with Clooney, but…

  11. This morning as I crawled through the wormhole between asleep and awake, I lost whatever it was in my dream that was going to change the way I live, and all for the better. Damn it!

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