Enter the Christian Quality Control Board. Someone professes to be a Christian and then consistently does/says something that runs counter to the faith, and the CQCB steps in, makes a judgment, and rules whether said person is a Christian, or a “Christian.” The board’s decision will be final. There will be no appeal process.
Because it was my idea, I have appointed myself charter member. Please submit your qualifications to be on the board below. Lack of membership in the Christian faith should not be considered a deal-breaker. Sometimes, people who don’t profess to believe know more about The Book than people who profess to believe.
So consider whether you have the time to commit to such an august body, and whether you’re comfortable sitting in the Judgment Seat. Just from early discussions of would-be board members, we’re thinking uniforms with epaulets. I’m open to suggestions but the name stays as I’ve already ordered the business cards.
Your thoughts?
Dating Jesus 
You do indeed need one of us non-theists on board — who else can be objective enough? What color are the uniforms?
We will probably have to take a group consciousness on that. I’m thinking green. I look good in green but I’m open to magesterial black.
Will there be noshes and coffee? Perhaps finger sandwiches?
And chicken nuggets, for the meat eaters. And Dr Pepper and Snickers bars.
The crops need weeding, but the workers are tempted to smarminess. And I am utterly unqualified for the work: too busy trying to pry lumber out of my eye. *snivel*
See? Being a good Christian makes this board unnecessary. I embrace the smarm.
I never considered you to be excessive or insincere.
But there is Matthew 7 to consider, although I think it is best understood in its entirety. Often cherry-picked for effect, Matthew 7 is, as I read it, not so much a preclusion of judgment, but rather, as is the case with a great deal of what Jesus said, an instruction, a description of righteous authority. Something a CQCB would need to be familiar with…yes?
We can recite it backward. Or, I can…
I’m lying.
I am considering submitting my credentials, which…as you know…would take slightly more than 30 seconds to compile.
There is, however, a new discipline, a new emergent ism of Obtuse Effrontery of which I am uniquely qualified to lend my expertise.
I could publish.
Build a Temple even.
Perhaps I could still contribute to the CQCB…as a consultant…part of the sniff test, so to speak, given my new…affiliation.
Get your budget in order an we’ll talk.
“… a new emergent ism of Obtuse Effrontery …”
Can you not hear Nunberg reading that? It reads just like his essays on NPR.
“that” being the review, not what you’ve written.
I remember his Word of the Year, (Occupy). I haven’t heard him that much but it does seem like his approach.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_Rule. And Matthew 7. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
Ok this is my application. Not sure if it’s Christian enough but it’s a tenet of all faiths and could cure the ills of the world.
Do I practice this perfectly? No but it’s the goal….
Ps. I don’t look good in green so I vote for royal blue or lavendar uniforms.
Royal blue! It goes well with lots of skin-tones!