In which I become sinfully wealthy

monopolyI’m probably going to win Powerball today (which stands at $1.5 billion, last time I checked and this be damned), and so I’m going to share my list of things I’ll do when I’m rich with you, the not-rich so that when I do win, you won’t come calling because I’ve already made plans for the cash:

  1. Divide the winnings with my husband. We already promised and this usually works in my favor as I haven’t won anything since I got that pink stuffed dog in second grade from the Carterville Carnival. And he wins stuff. A lot.
  2. Pay off some debts of family members. My debt’s fairly manageable — a few thousand here and here — but I’d like to spring a few family members from the dungeon so that they will forever owe me and if they then still do not like me, they will at least invite me over and stuff.
  3. Buy that house down the street that’s set on a ledge that would probably — if you stretch — allow you an ocean view. The sellers just lowered the price and though it’s still five times too expensive for me at my current financial state, as a lottery winner I will simply root around in my ashtrays and couch cushions,  and pay the thing off in a transaction we used to call “cash on the barrelhead.”
  4. My Hartford-bred husband said he’ll start a business in the capital city and pay people good wages with benefits. But he doesn’t have a lick of business sense and has no idea what kind of business he’d have, and neither do I. So he can take his part to figure out, and I will build affordable homes around the company. Again, in a sad attempt to be liked and noticed, I will name those homes “Susanville.”
  5. No: Make that affordable homes with all the support services necessary to keep a person in place, and I will name the homes “Awesome Susanville.”
  6. Share $50 to everyone who reads this blog. No, it’s not much, but it’s more than you started out with today, amirite?
  7. Eat out more, and pay everyone’s tab at various restaurants, because I can.*
  8. Buy random people cars, just because.*
  9. I’ll think of other things, but that’s it for now. I’d say good luck to you, but, well….
  • See reasons behind Numbers 2, and 4-6.

Published by datingjesus

Just another one of God's children.

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  1. Great plan! And then what would you do with the other $1.4 B? I hope I have the same numbers as you, so I win, too!

    1. As I hit “post” I thought, “This will show people just how very ignorant I am about finances.” I don’t think you’ve factored in the depth of the debt incurred by my family. I will pay debt off out to second cousins, and that’s quite a lot of shekels.

      If you win, too, then maybe you can buy the big house next to me, and we can built a tunnel, and have sleepovers and stuff!

      1. That would be fun! I just heard on the news that a person is more likely to be killed by a cow than win tonight. I ran into a bull pen once when I was young & foolish and wanted to get something that had gone over the fence. In my convoluted hope-filled logic, that gives me an edge.

        1. I dropped down out of a tree onto the back of a bull and was killed instantly. Pick me, Lottery God!

          1. If you win? Will you adopt me? I won’t even move in. I’ll stay here…change my last name to Campbell and tell everyone my Mom is famous. And rich.

              1. YAY! I’m back!

                No problem with that. My family has pretty much disowned me anyway. Just let me know where to forward the medical bills.

    1. Now the cow is laughing at me, calling me a loser. Getting killed by a cow is one thing. Getting ridiculed by a cow, that’s not right!

  2. I’m leaving a comment so I get my dinner. And I’ll change my first name to Susan if it’ll help get more dosh from you (currently my first name is something else I never use)….You should get busy calling up your friends today. I read someone’s article about how to find out who your true friends are BEFORE you hit the lottery: Ask all your pals if you can borrow $500 (or $50) and if they say no, then once you do win the big bucks, you get to say, Naw, dude, you wouldn’t let me that fifty.

  3. I read this article (see, here’s proof). And wherever you are going out to eat is my favorite place, and I’ll join you, and we can become best friends or at least the friends who like to meet for lunch weekly. enjoy your riches!

  4. My very first job in CT was with the R&D division of a French company. Legend has it that Madame Schlumberger was worried about the cost of living in Ridgefield, CT. (This was post-WWII, I believe.) She wanted to build affordable housing in the neighborhood, so people could walk to work. I’d do something like that for existing companies. But first I’d make sure that my nieces and nephew never again have to worry about paying for education. Then I’d buy a home in London and another in Greece, and become an ex-pat.

  5. Good luck! I hope we both win. I have plans for a hiring program for young people like my son who are smart and highly educated (and owing student loans) and cannot get a job.

  6. Tom Ashbrook, All Things Considered on NPR had some interesting ideas on mega lottery winners today. #1 get a tax lawyer! Even suggested security as the swarms will arrive at your house, press, relatives and thieves!!

    1. Winning is so complicated…changing name, phone, address, setting up trusts with lawyers, avoiding the press, constantly making decisions about money, having to stay hidden. I’d be happy with winning one of the smaller, $1 M prizes and keeping my name. That would be fine, too.

        1. Me too, and it’s my birthday and I should’ve gone out and bought tickets because it’s a lucky day, right? (Actually, not always.) But no.

  7. Please put me on the list to move into Awesome Susanville. That would be fun to write as my address.

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